Essex Man Gets Penis Caught in Slot Machine

Paramedics were called to an Essex bookmaker last night after a local man got his penis trapped in the coin tray of a fruit machine.
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Patrick McCullough, 54, entered a betting shop in Hornchurch at approximately 8PM last night while visibly intoxicated. He was allegedly acting erratically and harassing other customers before running into difficulties with a fruit machine.

Mr McCullough’s penis fell afoul of an anti-theft mechanism (standard for all adaptive logic UK terminals) and became lodged in the machine.

As a result, McCullough was left in a highly compromising position for a full hour until paramedics were able to free him with the aid of K-Y Jelly and an angle grinder.

Tangled Tackle Inflicts Trauma

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The manager of the bookmaker in question (who has asked to remain anonymous) commented on this peculiar incident, admitting it was a “career first.”

“I’ve never seen anything like it, one minute he was raving like a lunatic and the next he’d stuck his ‘wotsit’ in the machine. You couldn’t make it up!”

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The manager also reflected on the unlikelihood of such a bizarre occurrence: “the thing is, that security mechanism is designed to block something about the width of a coin,” he explained.

After paramedics rushed McCullough off for treatment, Roulette.co.uk caught up with Ms. Patricia Staker, a customer who bore witness to this incident. She said she has been left “traumatised” by what she saw.

“After the cashier man told him to clear off, that’s when he really started getting nasty,” she recalled. “He just dropped his pants and launched himself at this machine.”

“For a while he seemed to be enjoying himself, until we heard this ‘chunk’ noise and he started wailing like a guillotine had come down on him. Served him right.”

A Bell and Two Cherries

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Roulette.co.uk attempted to approach Mr McCullough (who is currently in recovery) for comment, but were rebuffed and issued a statement from hospital management.

“Mr McCullough has endured an extremely harrowing experience and is entitled to receive treatment without interference from the press,” the statement read. “In the case of such a sensitive injury, we believe it is necessary to consider the dignity and wellbeing of the patient above all else.”

Meanwhile, the fruit machine involved in the incident has been permanently decommissioned. Manufacturer Fruity Bell Games have promised to upgrade the security measures installed in their products to prevent any similar reoccurrences, acknowledging that the safety mechanism should not have admitted anything larger than a coin.

“Obviously we tend to work with averages, but people come in all shapes and sizes and our safety protocols need to reflect that,” said a spokesperson.

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